Tap tap tap. My leg bounces up and down like a piston, but I barely notice it over my shaking hands. I’m vibrating, rushing, bouncing off the walls.
You might think I need help, but this is exactly how I like it.
Over the past week I’ve been on a mission to learn which energy drink yields the purest rush of caffeine, and every burst of life I get is great data. The following notes are a collection of my thoughts and experiences during this experiment. Read on to learn which drink packs the biggest jolt.
Monday: Monster
10:30 a.m.: Starting it off with Monster Monday. I picked 10:30 a.m. for a designated “first sip” time, because consuming an energy drink before then is gross. Having finished my Monster Ultra (the white can), I was ready to go.
11:55 a.m.: After my first class, I can report feeling very energized. However, it’s not the type of energized that makes me want to pay attention in class or raise my hand to answer a question. It’s the type that makes me want to run across a football field and kick a soccer ball into a basketball hoop. I jittered my way through class and now have two hours to release as much of the Monster inside me as possible.
3:30 p.m.: I went to the gym to see if the Monster made me a better athlete. From about 12:30 p.m. to 1:30 p.m. I exercised with all the fury and vigor I could bring, and when it was all said and done I can honestly say the Monster made my workout better. Still pretty lively afterward, I felt ready to conquer my next class. That can-do attitude quickly faded though, as around halfway through my 2 p.m. class I hit the dreaded caffeine crash. In an instant I felt like every bit of life had drained from my body. I tried to fight through, but the wave of tiredness was too much. I succumbed to a nap.
9:00 p.m.: I woke from my nap around 5 p.m. feeling more tired than before. I felt betrayed by the Monster. I had set out on this experiment to avoid napping, but found myself failing miserably. I don’t blame myself, I blame the Monster. After my initial burst of vitality, I was left feeling more tired than energized. The drink also loses points for not tasting that good.
Evan’s Rush Rating for Monster: 5/10
Tuesday: Coffee
10:30 a.m.: I hate coffee. However, I was told if I was doing an experiment on caffeinated drinks I had to include it. So I drove over to Dunkin’ and got myself a vanilla latte — which I hated.
2:30 p.m.: I actually feel pretty good. Forty-five minutes after choking down my coffee, I started to notice a change in my classroom productivity. Questions seemed clearer, my pencil moved faster, and I even raised my hand. I’m currently doing homework, because if this experience is anything like the Monster, I’ll be dead in about 30 minutes.
7:00 p.m.: Two classes today, no nap. I’m even about to go for a run. Maybe the caffeine has worn off, but the good vibes haven’t. Truly a day of productivity that I haven’t had in awhile. Is coffee what I’ve been missing my whole life?
Evan’s Rush Rating for coffee: 8.5/10
Wednesday: Red Bull
10:30 a.m.: If you visit Red Bull’s Instagram, you’ll be treated to a variety of posts of people doing the most extreme and extraordinary things imaginable. From skydiving in outer space to jumping into volcanoes, Red Bull-drinkers are the most badass athletes in the world. I have always wanted to be one of those people. And for that reason, Red Bull has been my go-to energy drink for the past few years. I crush my can of blue juneberry in less than 5 minutes. With my new wings, I head out the door to conquer the day.
7:30. p.m.: What a day. I haven’t been to Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu since the semester started, but the Bull inspired me. I showed up ready to hit the mats harder than I ever have. However, Red Bull can’t turn you into a black belt, so I still did a fair amount of tapping out.
9:00 p.m.: After Jiu-jitsu I was all tuckered out. The Red Bull had run its course — I had shed my wings.
Evan’s Rush Rating for Red Bull: 10/10
Thursday: 5-Hour Energy
10:30 a.m.: I never drank 5-Hour Energy before, and I don’t think I ever will it again. The only reason I was able to suffer through to the end was due to its miniature size. As I await the kick, I pray it’s nowhere near as horrible as the taste.
1:30 p.m.: After my first class, I feel like sh*t. I have a killer headache and my stomach hurts. It’s clear the effects of 5-Hour Energy live up to the flavor, not the name.
8:00 p.m.: I wasn’t energized for a single hour of the day, let alone five. All that came from the 5-Hour Energy was head pain and a lack of motivation.
Evan’s Rush Rating for 5-Hour Energy: Not good/10
Friday: Celsius
10:30 a.m.: Celsius is another drink I was unfamiliar with, but this one turned out to be a somewhat welcome surprise. The flavor was nice and I had a pleasant time drinking it, which made me optimistic for the journey I was about to take.
3:00 p.m.: With only one class Friday, I allocated my bonus energy to fun. I decided to play basketball. All was good until I cramped — I think it was because of the Celsius — and was forced to call for a sub.
5:00 p.m.: As I get ready for my night out, I reflect upon the rollercoaster week. From soaring to the highest heights with Red Bull, to roiling in the pits of despair with 5-Hour Energy, I truly believe this was one of the greatest learning experiences of my young life. However, this isn’t a challenge I would recommend. The amount of sugar and dye I consumed this week was nauseating, and I’m starting to lose sleep. Although, in the end, science always prevails.
Evan’s Rush Rating for Celsius: mid/10
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