Newly unsealed court documents from the Epstein files showed photos of the late sex trafficker alongside a red bird referred to as “B. Plattsburgh,” leading to widespread speculation that Burghy was friends with the disgraced financier. 

SUNY Plattsburgh officials would not confirm or deny that the bird was Burghy and reiterated that the mascot is “a symbolic representation of the college’s school spirit.”

Reached for comment, Burghy flew away. 

This is only the latest fallout from the millions of pages and images found in the ever-growing Epstein files, which have already entangled many notable people — including Microsoft founder and billionaire philanthropist Bill Gates, former U.S. Treasury Secretary and Harvard president Larry Summers, and the late physicist Stephen Hawking. The revelations have many wondering: Who’s next?

SUNY Potsdam’s mascot, Max E. Bear, told APN that he overheard Burghy make a self-incriminating comment at the last basketball game. 

“I thought it was Anthony Bourdain,” Burghy allegedly squawked. 

Students gathered in dining halls, common areas, academic buildings and recreational facilities to discuss whether action should be taken against their tarnished mascot. Conversations frequently asked questions about Burghy’s travel history and the extent to which mascot activities are documented and publicly available.

One student named Grant who declined to give his last name said Burghy always had “smug energy.”

University officials said all previously planned Burghy activities would proceed as scheduled. 

“This is a country where all birds are presumed innocent until proven guilty,” said President Enyedi.

Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire. All names, events, quotes, and “facts” presented are entirely fabricated and intended solely for comedic and entertainment purposes. This piece should not be interpreted as factual reporting or taken seriously. April fools!