While NATO has so far refused to stand alongside the U.S. in the Iran War, SUNY Plattsburgh has declared it is “all in.” 

Along with sending funds obtained from student tuition, the college has begun sending in troops selected from the student body.

In the first round of drawing straws, Cardinal Points Editor-in-Chief Grant Terwilliger was given the honor of having the first boots on the ground in Iran. 

“What?” Grant said, when asked about his selection. “I’m just confused as to why I’m the only one being sent there. I don’t know how to fight.” 

The draft program was imposed across all SUNY schools in an effort to raise patriotism and spice up campus life. SUNY Plattsburgh President Alexander Enyedi said the initiative has received mixed reviews.

“The business department loves it, but the rest of the campus hates it,” Enyedi said. “So we are halting the draft until further notice. Grant still has to go, though.”

Grant was less than pleased with the news of his continued service.

“I’m just going to defect and hang out at the Iranian souk markets, Bourdain style,” Grant said.

While students across campus are pushing back against the draft, SUNY Plattsburgh journalism professor Jack Downs voiced his support for Grant.

“If anyone can protect our freedoms… and perhaps bring down the price of gas, it’s Grant,” Downs said. “In fact, I encourage the entire staff of Cardinal Points to be boots on the ground.”

However, a note posted on the newspaper’s office door stated that the remaining staff had fled to Montreal. “Au revoir, suckers,” the note read. 

Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire. All names, events, quotes, and “facts” presented are entirely fabricated and intended solely for comedic and entertainment purposes. This piece should not be interpreted as factual reporting or taken seriously. April fools!