SUNY Plattsburgh officials announced an urgent recall of all campus food after hundreds of students collapsed into postprandial somnolence — otherwise known as a food coma. 

“The food is simply too delicious to stop eating,” said junior Emma Deo. “Some would even say it’s Sodexellent.” 

The recall will affect The Nest, Clinton Dining Hall, Einstein’s, the Halal Shack, Starbucks, Kent Cafe, and Chapter One. 

University President Alexander Enyedi advised students to rely on “fresh air and water” until further notice. He also rebranded his “pizza with the president” initiative as “Pilates with the president.” 

“Once we saw students coming back for fifths at the Nest, we knew something had to be done,” said an official who asked to remain anonymous because they were still recovering emotionally from losing access to the chicken tenders.

Over the past few weeks, students have been dropping like flies as they succumbed to food comas. Deo said she has been too full to participate in softball practice since February. 

All spring sports teams now require mandatory weigh-ins before every practice. 

With all dining options closed, students have been caught gnawing on their fingernails and chewing their lips.

“I was planning on grabbing a snack, but now I have to rethink my entire existence,” said one young man who was caught staring longingly through the windows of Clinton Dining Hall. 

Some have reportedly considered cannibalism. 

“That Burghy is looking awfully tasty,” said Grant. 

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Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire. All names, events, quotes, and “facts” presented are entirely fabricated and intended solely for comedic and entertainment purposes. This piece should not be interpreted as factual reporting or taken seriously. April fools!