SUNY Plattsburgh today announced that R. Kelly, Chris Brown and P. Diddy will be headlining its Spring Fest music concert, putting their felonies aside to put on a great performance. 

While Brown was released from prison on bail in May 2025, it was unclear how the college would manage to pull R. Kelly and P. Diddy from their prison cells for the event. 

“Damn if ‘Ignition’ doesn’t make me move,” said the university’s president, referring to R. Kelly’s “hot and fresh out the kitchen” hit. 

The concert will reportedly be held in the Angell College Center parking lot, which will be transformed into a “world-class venue” featuring two (2) folding chairs and a Bluetooth speaker. This was the only location that could be used since it is over 500 feet away from the high school.

The administration expects a turnout of nearly 40,000 people, or roughly two times the population of Plattsburgh.

One anonymous staffer said, “We’re not entirely sure how we booked them either.”

For years, Plattsburgh students have asked for more concerts on campus, although some said this was not exactly what they had in mind. 

“I would have preferred literally anybody else,” said one student. 

“What’s next, Ghislaine Maxwell as commencement speaker?” said another. 

Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire. All names, events, quotes, and “facts” presented are entirely fabricated and intended solely for comedic and entertainment purposes. This piece should not be interpreted as factual reporting or taken seriously. April fools!